Thank you all so much for your comments, messages and emails following Tuesday’s blog post. Your words mean a lot to me and I found myself, yet again, agreeing with so much of what you said, fighting back tears until they flowed freely and hanging onto the hope you’ve repeatedly given to me during this time. Thank you.
An anonymous commenter left a comment on my blog that she found helpful following two miscarriages and I’ve found myself thinking about the quote she shared over and over again.
“Stop worrying about what can go wrong, and get excited about what can go right.”
While grief obviously includes sadness, worry and pain, this quote was like a breath of fresh air for me to read. It might not have been a great one to read the day of or even the week after our loss but now, a few weeks later (whoa), I found myself loving the quote and the perspective it shares.
I feel like, in general, I am an optimistic person who believes in the good and tries very hard to make the best of the bad. After I read this quote, I couldn’t help but wonder why I’ve been letting myself focus so much on the fears and anxiety and sadness I have surrounding our losses and our future hopes for a baby when the future could very well hold some incredible and amazing things. (Note: I DO think it’s necessary to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel – sadness, worry, anger, pain, etc. when you’re grieving and I absolutely have – but I was also ready to read this quote and feel some hope and take in a new perspective on Tuesday.)
If I believe the future will hold amazing things – and I do – why shouldn’t that get some of my attention, too? Even if I don’t know what our future will look like right now, I want to get back to feeling 100 percent excited about my current life because it’s wonderful and I want to feel hopeful and excited about my future life because I believe it will be wonderful as well… No matter what.
When I woke up yesterday morning, I thought about this quote and tried my best to shift my perspective going into the day. I made myself breakfast – a rather pitiful looking egg white and oatmeal protein pancake with spirulina (hence the green) and hemp seeds – and sat down at my computer to reply to your emails. (I feel like I am taking for-ev-er to respond to you guys because your emails are so incredible but I am reading them and feeling so grateful for each and every one, so thank you so much for sending them my way.)
I downed a cup of coffee with collagen and whole milk as I was making my pancake, so I served my pancake with a cup of iced green tea for a little variety.
Not long after Ryan was off to work, Chase was up for the day and ready for action. We ate breakfast together (one of his beloved whole wheat pumpkin muffins for each of us) and then drew a billion pictures on the new easel my mother-in-law sent our way for Chase’s second birthday.
The Gimilife wooden easel is, without a doubt, the biggest birthday gift success for Chase this year and he makes me laugh a million times a day when he drags me over to the easel, tells me “Mama sit! Guess!” and wants me to guess what pictures he’s drawing.
It’s hilarious to me because he has such confidence in his drawings and even though they look nothing like a boat or a whale or an airplane, he’ll finish his drawings, point to them and tell me exactly what he drew in a way that tells me he thinks it’s obvious and there’s no way anyone could not decipher his toddler scribbles.
Eventually we made it out the door and headed off to Burn Boot Camp. I wasn’t really in the mood to work out but knew getting myself out of the house and getting those endorphins flowing would be a good thing.
We did an athletic conditioning workout (code for tons of cardio!) and it was a sweaty one.
I took some time to foam roll before picking Chase up from childcare and left the gym feeling better than I have in a while. Oh the beauty of a good workout!
I had plans for a play date with my friend Laura after the gym so Chase and I ate a quick snack in the car before heading over to her house. Chase had a great time playing with his friend Lily and I loved catching up with Laura and cuddling her sweet three-week-old baby boy. Laura is one of my closest friends in the area and I truly could not feel more grateful for the incredible girlfriends I have in Charlotte right now.
A handful of you have noticed that many of my friends are pregnant right now (or just had their second babies) and four of us were actually due within a month and a half of each other when I was pregnant with the first baby we lost. My girlfriends here have been nothing short of amazingly compassionate and kind and I’ve actually been surprisingly okay during their pregnancies. (Becoming pregnant again in June certainly helped… until it didn’t.)
Right now is probably the toughest time for me to be surrounded by babies and beautifully pregnant women only because the due date for the first baby we lost is rapidly approaching (it’s this Saturday) and our second loss is so new. This may not make sense, but even though my heart is heavy, somehow being with my friends – even if they are very pregnant or cuddling a newborn – is easier for me than staying away because they are all so thoughtful, kind and understanding and have allowed me to cry when I needed to cry and provided me with love and support when I needed that, too. I’ve also found comfort in talking with a few of my friends who understand the pain of miscarriage. Speaking so publicly about our losses has allowed me to connect with people in my personal life who I never knew experienced this pain (four of my friends here have experienced a miscarriage and one has experienced two losses after her first child like me).
Good girlfriends are tough to find and I’m grateful I found some amazing ones who are not only here for me during good times but are extra wonderful during the bad times. Without my friends, I would’ve been alone during my D&C because Ryan would’ve had to watch Chase. I would’ve spent the morning after my D&C crying by myself but I spent it crying with them instead. I would not have found four women who have been where I’ve been to talk to in person about the pain of miscarriage.
I know this is quite a tangent but since I receive regular comments on the fact that I’m surrounded by so many pregnancies, I wanted to address it briefly because although, yes, the timing of some of their pregnancies remind me daily of what we lost, their friendships have given me so, so much and I’m very grateful for these women in my life. It’s not always easy, but they make it okay when it’s hard.
And now back to our day…
Chase and I said goodbye to Laura and her little ones a little after noon and headed home for lunch and Chase’s nap. While he slept, I took a shower, did some dinner prep and began typing up this blog post, not sure where it was going to go but rolling with the punches, nonetheless. (I didn’t really see it becoming a recap of our day but here we are.)
Chase was up a couple hours later and we spent the rest of the afternoon at home. Initially I planned to meet up with a friend at Gymboree but when Chase seemed content to draw on his easel, “help” me cook in the kitchen, play with Sadie, read books and dance around in his diaper, I took that as a cue to stay home.
Sometimes it’s easy to go, go, go with Chase because he loves getting out of the house and expending energy but sometimes an afternoon at home with just the two of us is good for the soul. He reminds me that things like cuddling up on the couch and reading book after book, dancing together in the kitchen and coloring are the big (and right now healing) things in life.
I loved our quiet (well, not really quiet… more like simple) afternoon together so much.
Ryan arrived home around 6:30 p.m. and after dinner, we bathed Chase and played around upstairs (he looooves building “forts” in our bed right now) before it was time for bed.
Once Chase was settled in his crib, Ryan and I curled up on the couch to watch Big Brother, our absolute favorite show (and total guilty pleasure) of the moment. I’m not sure what made us begin watching this show for the first time last season (season 18!) but I’m glad we discovered this ridiculousness because it makes us laugh and we get waaay too into it.
I had a little trouble falling asleep last night (not unusual) but thankfully once I drifted off, I slept hard and it was much needed.
I’m not sure what the day ahead holds for us – likely library story time, the gym and hopefully plenty of time outside – but I am planning to enjoy it because of the awesome two-year-old I get to call my tiny best friend. (That sounds cheesy, I know. But right now I need some cheese.)
I hope you guys have a great Thursday and thanks so much for stopping by the blog today.